my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
