I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
