i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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