you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
