repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
