Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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