I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
