My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
