why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
