Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We don't watch enough power rangers
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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