I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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