conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's shark week go big or go home
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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