All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
