If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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