Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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