Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
