I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
