I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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