so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
