Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
