I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
