Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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