I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
