i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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