Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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