if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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