I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
