If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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