Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
