I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
