my phone needs a breathalizer
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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