dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
