I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Randomize
