Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
