So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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