I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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