Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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