for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
