I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
