Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
