we're chasing vodka with high fives
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
