She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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