Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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