Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
