if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
