shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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