ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
