You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's shark week go big or go home
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
