i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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