The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
