I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Found the puke drawer
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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